Processed meat causes cancer, you guys
The World Health Organisation (WHO) made the sad announcement on Monday (26 Oct), confirming that processed meats such as sausages, bacon, and burgers can cause colorectal cancer.
The internet was predictably set aflame with the bad news.
Bacon causes cancer?
Well I’m going to try to eat it all so no one else has to suffer.
Not all heroes wear capes.
— Ol’ QWERTY Bastard (@TheDiLLon1) October 26, 2015
Unfortunately, the link between processed meats and colorectal cancer puts the meats on a list of cancer causing compounds and activities, alongside smoking cigarettes, alcohol and arsenic.
Now, just because processed meats is a carcinogen, does not mean you cannot enjoy it in other ways.
Here’s how you can continue to enjoy your love for processed meat without risking cancer.
1. Buy a hamburger bed
Now you can continue to support processed meats while your burger bed supports you.
2. Wash yourself with meat soap
Even if you cannot eat processed meat, you can smell like it.
3. Dress up as a cancer-causing sausage
Now that you are yourself a carcinogen, there’s nothing else to worry about.
4. Eat vegetarian mock-processed-meat
Mock-meat like vegetarian bacon is made to look and taste like meat but it uses soy, wheat or even tofu.
But before you go for any of that, think for a moment what you’re actually doing, you monster.
5. Heal the pain of eating fake bacon using bacon-strip bandages
Because fake bacon is so bad it literally hurts.
6. Watch the funniest 90s movies a.k.a Good Burger
Featuring Nickelodeon’s Kenan and Kel, there is never enough reasons to bring back one of the funniest movies we grew up watching.
7. Create ham art
Immortalise your love for processed meat by replicating famous works of art.
8. Brush your teeth with bacon toothpaste
We don’t know if this toothpaste prevent cavities, or causes them though.
9. Smell like you just walked out of the butchery
Fancy smelling like flamed-frilled whopper? Yes, the Burger King perfume is real, so now you can smell like you ate all the whoppers in the world without taking a bite.
10. Pre-order a meat-patch to ward off those withdrawal symptoms
Like the nicotine patch, a pepperoni patch would have essence of pepperoni and is worn by the person trying to give up pepperoni meat. So pepperoni essence is gradually absorbed into the blood steam, reducing craving for pepperoni.
At least when they start making those available anyway.
Stay strong meat lovers. As always, moderation is key.
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