Mother Who Lost Her Son To Suicide Blames Herself For His Death
Mother’s Day is a celebration of mothers all over the world. However, for one mother of two in Singapore, she would rather not celebrate it at all.
Yang Cijie (transliterated from Chinese), 51, has to live with the passing of her younger son since he died by suicide.
To this day, this mother who lost her son to the battle against depression grapples with the belief that she was not able to protect him.
According to 8world News, her younger son tragically passed away on 15 Jun 2021. He was only 22.
Late son used to be a happy child, says mum
After the loss of her son, Ms Yang was unable to cope with the emotions she was feeling. Despite that, she was not able to shed a single tear.
That was until she got in touch with PleaseStay Movement, a non-profit organisation dealing with youth suicide prevention. With the support of its therapists and other grieving parents, Yang was eventually able to let out her emotions and finally cry over her son’s death.
When 8world News visited Ms Yang at her home, she brought them to her late son’s bedroom. There, she kept all his most treasured items, along with a collage of her favourite photographs of him.
She told the Chinese news outlet that her son was very cheerful as a toddler. He loved making people laugh, and would always manage to put a smile on her face no matter how tired she was.
“Those are the moments I miss the most,” she sighed.
In a video interview, the mother stated, “I am a useless mother who was unable to protect her child. The best Mother’s Day gift is one’s children. Without them, this day is meaningless.”
Son slowly became more estranged in his teenage years
Her son was relatively happy until he went to secondary school. At that time, his father lost his job and the pair started facing regular conflicts.
Due to the loss of income, Yang had to take on more hours at work. This caused her son to become more and more estranged over time.
“He stopped hugging us and sitting on our laps. He also stopped talking to us.”
At first, Yang chalked her son’s behaviour up to mere puberty and teenage rebellion. What she did not realise was that his mental health was rapidly deteriorating.
Source: 8world News
In his second year of national service, he left home and cut off all contact with his parents.
After he was discharged from the military, he returned home one day out of the blue.
Condition got worse before he took his own life
After some time, he was found in an altered mental state by the police and was conveyed to hospital. There, they discovered that he had attempted suicide multiple times and diagnosed him with depression.
His condition flip-flopped for some time. Some days, he was fine, and other days he struggled. He was also in and out of the Institute of Mental Health (IMH).
“When he ran away from home, I felt constantly suffocated. I was so afraid that he would get into bad company, go AWOL, or die and we wouldn’t even know,” Yang explained.
“But he never told us anything. I was also afraid to get too close for fear that he would leave again.”
Ultimately, Yang’s son lost the battle against himself. He sadly chose to leave the world four days before he turned 23.
Source: 8world News
After her son’s passing, Yang blamed herself every day. She thought that she was too harsh on her child and neglected his interests and cries for help.
“I did not see the talent he possessed until it was too late. I only learnt of his interest in game development when I read his diary after he passed.”
Yang thinks that if she has noticed this earlier, the tragedy would not have taken place. She, like many parents, thought that gaming was an addiction — without realising that it was her son’s way to decompress and destress.
Mother who lost son blames herself, eventually found new meaning to life
The mother of two returned to the workforce when her son was 13. What she did not notice was the impact this had on her child during the difficult transition from primary to secondary school.
She was devastated to learn from his therapist that he desperately needed her at that time. Yang recounted when the therapist had told her that he once asked, “Why must mum go back to work?”
Despite everything that happened, Yang takes comfort in her work as an outpatient nurse and the meaning she finds in it.
Taking care of her patients also allows her to be distracted from her thoughts.
“As I look after many terminally ill patients, I treasure the moments I have with them even more. I also do my best to comfort their families and, as much as possible, give them peace of mind.”
Mother who lost son to depression urges parents to love their kids unconditionally
Yang wishes to use herself as a reminder to other parents to love their children unconditionally. She urges other parents to love their children more, even when they are rebellious.
“Their rebellion is a cry for help. When that happens, what they need is more love, and not scolding.”
She also encourages children to communicate with their parent, especially in times of hardship, and not bottle up their feelings.
Admitting that she is still learning to be a good mother, she now pays more attention to her older son.
She also got her late son’s name tattooed on her arm as a reminder to carry on living with courage in his honour.
Source: 8world News
“No mother who has lost a child wants to continue living,” Yang pointed to the semicolon in her tattoo, adding, “This semicolon means that the story has not ended, and carries a message of suicide prevention.”
“When we feel like there is no other way out, there is still hope. We still have to bravely live on.”
If you or anyone you know needs someone to speak to, do not hesitate to reach out for help by calling the Samaritans of Singapore 24-hour helpline at 1-767 (1-SOS).
Alternatively, here are other resources you can turn to in the case of a mental health emergency.
Have news you must share? Get in touch with us via email at news@mustsharenews.com.
Featured image adapted from 8world News.
Drop us your email so you won't miss the latest news.
