MustShareMail: Ban All Bad Shopping Jingles On Social Media

Dear Government of Singapore,

I am writing in as a private citizen, on behalf of the sanctity of music, to request a ban on all bad shopping jingles, henceforth, from national broadcasting – and on all online social media platforms.

Here’s why our safety as a nation is at stake if we don’t do something drastic quickly.

Unsafe watch-TV-from-home environment

When a jingle began playing against the backdrop of a familiar flash of orange on the television screen, my entire family groaned.

I watched in horror as the 20-second clip played on screen. A local comedian I once adored and respected for years, belted his heart out on an inclined float.

He proceeded to spew a ridiculously strung-together slew of lyrics with no respect for consonants, or emphasis, or the natural cadence of Singlish.

Heartland appeal, the songwriters must have thought.

Just when did watching a simple advertisement become so unsafe, I thought.

Endemic resurgence of bad shopping jingles

For the past year, Singapore has been battling a pandemic. Our ears, however, have been battling an endemic resurgence of bad shopping jingles.

With a lethal hit rate of 95%, across regular monthly spikes – case in point, 9.9, 10.10, 11.11, 12.12, 1.1, etc. – I would venture to say the situation is as dire as dengue.

Victims have been known to exhibit migraines, systemic earworm infections, and a slow, painful degradation of well-being — thanks to constant exposure on every platform known to man.

Turn on Channel 5 — pee, pee, pee, pee, pee.

Press play on YouTube — is your one-stop-shop.

Post rant about it on Facebook – DOUBLE ELEVEN WITH LAZA – close tab, open new tab, F5 refresh – LOWEST PRICE, LOWEST PRICE, ADDU TO CARTU.

In short, nowhere is safe anymore. Not in our homes. Not even in our own heads.

Ctrl-c, ctrl-v promotional gimmicks

In fairness, I understand every brand wants to stand out. To be remembered. To deploy high-level marketing techniques to crush their competitors at the advertising game.

There’s also probably an audience out there that appreciates the effort that goes into the fanfare required to get shoppers spending.

But can we look past the flashy clash of jingles, pitting awkward dance cover with awkward dance cover – to call these songs out for what they truly are?

Ctrl-c, ctrl-v – but change up the comedian – promotional gimmicks.

Cringey exploits that need to be shelved ASAP until new advertising methods can be dreamt up by creatives in overpaid agencies.

Please make it stop

A complete ban on all shopping jingles may not be realistic. But can we at least quarantine the bad ones indefinitely?

For the love of music, and all things left uninfected by nasty earworms, please make it stop.

Sincerely,
Painfully Indebted To Noise-Cancelling Earbuds Citizen Of Singapore

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Featured image adapted from YouTube, YouTubeYouTube.