I was stalked when I was 14 & it was the most helpless I’ve ever felt

MS Mail: Stalked at 14 years old to my HDB doorstep

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Before it happened to me, the reality of how scary it is to be stalked was not something I registered.

I understood what the vocabulary meant, and on a superficial level, I knew it is a scary experience.

But until I was stalked to my doorstep at 14 years old, I did not truly take the issue seriously.

The most ordinary day

Until today, I do not know where exactly my stalker started following me.

I had returned home from school one uneventful afternoon — alighted the bus, much-too-heavy bag on my shoulders, trudging towards the void deck in a sweaty school uniform. Nothing was out of the ordinary.

By the time I felt something was off, I was already at the lift lobby of my home.

A man, who was likely in his late 20s or early 30s, had joined me in waiting for the lift.

He was fidgety, murmuring to himself and shuffling in place.

It raised my suspicions slightly, but I did not think too much about it. This was my first mistake.

When the lift arrived, I entered first and he followed me in. I pressed the button for the seventh floor, where I had been staying, and he pressed the button for the fourteenth.

I thought that was the end of the story — even though he behaved a little strangely, there was nothing to be alarmed about.

So imagine the chill that zipped down my spine when he followed me out of the lift on my floor instead.

Stranded and trapped alone

When we exited the lift, he hid behind a wall while I walked towards my unit.

He stood behind the wall, five metres from my house door, unmoving and peeping towards my direction.

At that point, I was frozen with panic. My mother was at work and my father was overseas — there was no one at home who could help me.

I did not dare to turn around and unlock the house door, because that would mean I have to turn my back to him.

Stranded outside my own house, I essentially reached an impasse with the stalker.

He did not move closer, but I did not dare to retreat into the house either. Letting myself be frozen in this impasse was mistake number two.

We stayed that way for around 10 excruciating minutes. Eventually, my neighbour returned home.

I walked up to him, and with a panicked voice I barely recognise as my own, told him that I was being stalked and asked him for help.

My neighbour was, thankfully, a kind person. He immediately spun around to confront the stalker.

However, the stalker had disappeared while I was talking to my neighbour.

Second encounter with my stalker

When my mother returned home that evening, I told her what happened and we made a police report.

The police assured us that they would increase patrol around my neighbourhood, and that I could call the police if a similar incident happens again.

However, an official investigation was not opened. Not for the first time anyway.

A few months later, I saw the man again. Only this time, he did not stalk me to the doorstep.

He was already waiting at my house when I returned from school.

After the first run-in, I had developed a habit of checking over my shoulder whenever I walked down the corridor — especially at the specific wall that the stalker had peeped from.

During the second run-in, I was walking towards my unit from the lift lobby. I had checked the corridor after exiting the lift, but nobody was there.

However, when I arrived at my doorstep and looked back, there he was standing behind the same wall and peeping at me.

Terrified to my core and frustrated that the same nightmare was happening again — I screamed at him.

To be honest, that scream was not meant to be a solution to the predicament, it was an emotional response more than anything.

However, screaming ended up saving me, because the stalker got frightened and ran away using the stairwell.

That night, my parents took me to the police station and the police opened up an investigation into the case.

Stalker identified

A few weeks later, an Investigation Officer (IO) called to tell me they had identified the stalker.

The stalker was another resident living in the same building as my family at the time. The IO mentioned that the police had spoken to the stalker’s parents, and they were also troubled by his behaviour.

The IO spoke euphemistically, but I gathered he was implying that the stalker had some form of intellectual disability explaining his actions.

Ultimately, we did not pursue further legal action.

Before my family eventually moved out, I saw the man in the void deck one more time.

The same chill settled over me and I did not dare to go near the lift lobby.

Instead, I stood at an open area in the void deck and called my mother, who had been at home.

She immediately rushed down to pick me up, and that was the last time I saw the man in my life.

But now that years have passed since the incident, I’ve had time to reflect on what I would have done differently at the time.

This is what I’d like to tell my past self.

Trust your instincts

Firstly, don’t downplay your experience. For a long time, I thought my experience was not a serious one. I walked away in one piece after all, and nothing physically traumatic had happened to me.

But the fear I had felt and the helplessness of standing outside the gate alone — those were real.

It was only when I heard similar stories that I realised victims’ first reaction was always “it is probably me being too sensitive, it was not a big deal”.

This is especially because we live in Singapore, a country known for safety. The crime rate is low, and we are not always on the lookout for dangerous things that could happen.

That said, it always pays to trust your instincts.

If you feel alarmed about somebody, they likely did something that was out of the norm. Take the warning sign seriously.

In my first encounter with the stalker, I should have left the lift lobby instead of heading home the moment I felt something was off.

Even if the person had turned out to be another resident and not a stalker, there would have been no “bad” consequence.

At most, the resident might have thought I was a little strange. But that would have been leagues better than what had happened — exposing my entire address to a stalker because I downplayed my own instinct.

Protect your address

This leads to my second advice: if you notice a stalker, do not return home immediately.

It is extremely easy to cave into the desire to return to a safe space, but if you return home while being stalked, you are exposing your address to a stalker.

In my case, the stalker was waiting outside my home the second time because he now knew where I lived.

Instead, if you can, proceed to the nearest police station.

If there is no police station nearby, go to a crowded place where there are people you can seek help from — a mall, a hawker centre, or a supermarket, for example.

On the point of asking for help, do not be afraid to seek assistance from others.

Reaching an impasse with the stalker was my second mistake — because things could have easily taken a turn for the worse while I was frozen with panic.

If the stalker had ill intentions, I was in no way physically capable of escaping from him.

Instead of freezing up, I should have immediately sought assistance, be it from my neighbours or by contacting the police.

It is also important to keep a record of what happened the first time so that authorities can process potential future run-ins faster.

AWARE Singapore has published a set of legal steps that victims of stalking can take.

To my 14-year-old self & anyone else who might need this

I will not tell my past self, or anyone facing stalking for that matter, to not panic.

Because the truth is if you are stalked alone and the gravity of the situation sinks in for the first time, you will most likely feel fear.

What I want to say, however, is that there are steps you can take to protect yourself.

To all victims of stalking, your feelings throughout and after the ordeal are valid, regardless of the stalker’s circumstances.

For a while, I thought what had happened was not a big deal because the stalker had his own challenges.

Looking back, I did not have to dismiss my experience.

Intellectual disability might have explained his action, but it does not take away from the distress he caused me.

I submitted this experience after hearing accounts of others around me being stalked or harassed, which made me realise stalking in Singapore might be more common than we thought.

I hope readers will never have to use the advice put forward in this article.

But if you have unfortunately become a victim of stalking, I hope this provides some assurance and guidance.

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Featured image adapted from Stacked and photoAC, for illustration purposes only.